Tuesday, August 12, 2008

A different perspective....

I always heard "Life's not fair." I know it definitely is not. Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and throw a nice big tantrum.

I'm not usually a grudge-holding person. You have to do something seriously irritating or mean to really piss me off. Most times when I get mad about something I'll tell at least 12 3 people whatever it is, and then think about it for about 20 more minutes, and then I move on. I rarely think about things for more than a day, or two.

What I'm going to write about now is not necessarily a grudge about anyone in paticular, just some things that have bothered me since I became a mother. I'm not even sure it's "about" anyone else besides my little family, consisting of just me, my husband, and my 2 kids. If you read this and it strikes a nerve, well, it's not exactly my intention, I just want you to think. It's just my personal perspective on life in general, but if it does strike a nerve, try looking at things from my perspective for just a minute before you yell at me and never talk to me again. (And if the shoe fits.....wear it, by all means.... or get a new shoe.)

When I was younger I wasn't so sure I wanted to have kids. I like kids, sure, but I just didn't have that thing that said, I definitely want kids. Because of this fact, I made sure that I wouldn't "accidentally" get pregnant before I was ready. Call it being responsible, (I do). Also I knew that there was a certain "place" I wanted to be in if I did have kids. Not really anything I can put my finger on, but something I just knew. Eventually, Seth and I got married, talked about having kids, and we decided to wait a little while. Then, by the time I actually got pregnant, we had been trying for a year and a half, which was just about perfect, because by then I absolutely knew it was what I wanted. Now, I have two full time jobs, by choice. I work during the day, and then I go home to my other full time job where I rarely get a break, and sometimes I have to let a little of the steam out before my head explodes. (That's where my blog comes in handy!)

I'm not sure if any of this is going to make sense, but I think of myself as being pretty level headed, and a planner. I'm a control freak. I don't like it when things are just on autopilot, and I see so many people who seem to live like that and it gets on my nerves a little bit. I know things aren't always as they seem, but this is all about my perspective.

Oh, how I would love to tell some people what I think. But then I always bite my tongue. It's usually because my opinion is just that, my opinion. Most things that annoy me don't even directly affect me, but they indirectly affect me, and then they drive me nuts...but I still can't say anything. I know that voicing my opinion is usually something best not said, because I often suffer from foot-in-mouth disease.

One example of annoyingness would be of one of the families that go to our kids' daycare. They started a couple of months after Rylie was born, and the family had a little boy in the infant room, so I would wind up seeing the mother sometimes. I eventually learned that they also had boys in the next 3 classes consecutively. They're all about 10 months apart. Then I found out that this woman is pregnant, again. I started to get a tad bit irritated. Something about the mom just annoyed the crap out of me. I know for a fact that these people pay a minimal amount of money for daycare, because they don't make a lot (indirectly affecting me). Ok, I have no idea how much money they make ( I have a pretty good idea), but I do know where they live, and how they live, and it burns me to see someone living in a craphole with 5 kids, a $30,000 truck, a newer minivan (to haul all those kids) and they get virtually free daycare!!!! I get that some people don't make a lot of money, but I just see a lot of people that look like they do the minimum amount of work so that they can let the government pick up the slack.

Even if I wanted to have another kid I'd have to wait a while, we pay a lot for daycare and the added expense would just be too much. I freaking hate the fact that I pay as much as I do for daycare for my 2 kids (plus my taxes are paying for their's too), and my kids are on half time days, so we pick them up as soon as we leave work (6 hours or less), which of course we should because they are our kids and our responsibility, while the people who's kids I'm paying for with my tax dollars let their kids sit at daycare for 12 hours. We both work 6 days a week, so this means we have to have a babysitter every single Saturday, outside of daycare because it is virtually impossible to find a place open on Saturdays. I know that this fact is entirely because of the choices we made for our profession, but most people just don't understand what it's like. Neither one of us graduated from college, and we have good paying jobs, it is possible, so I hate people that make excuses for why they don't make much money. If you're a hard worker, you'll make it, period. Short term assistance is one thing, but when it is your primary lifestyle, it's a problem.

Another thing that occasionally bugs me is the fact that I hear so many people my age out there talking about how they went to this party, and that party, and away for the weekend, and so and so had the kids, so we did this. I hear it in such a way that just makes me want to scream at them, and say "You were adult enough to have these kids, so take care of them!". I didn't grow up spending weekends at my grandparents house, or even overnights once in a while. It was a rarity, and I don't feel like it was a bad thing. Maybe it's the control freak in me, but I just didn't really like staying at other people's houses, even sleepovers. To this day I'm not that comfortable staying with anyone else other than my parents. Just because people don't say no to watching your kids, doesn't mean it's ok to leave them all the time. Necessity because of work, yes. Friday and Saturday night every week, not so much.

Since Seth and I have been married we still have not had a vacation with just the 2 of us. It's like pulling teeth to get approved for time off from work, which causes way too much stress that I wind up saving for when we go to visit our families. Also, I pretty much burned up all of my vacation time with my 2 pregnancies and run of the mill, daycare induced, childhood illnesses. Don't get me wrong, I love to work, this is sounding a little like I hate my job, but it's just difficult.

Since Hunter was born he has only spent the night at his Grandma's house (close by) one time, as a reward for potty training. This is the same Grandma (and only local grandma) that watches him every Saturday while we work. We depend on her more than we are really even comfortable with, because of work. We've offered to pay someone to watch the kids once in a while to give her a Saturday off. To us, it falls under the category of our responsibility. They are our kids, if they get sick, we should be there to take care of them (which is going to be tough in the future unless they can spread out their sickness a little more). Just because the kids have a Grandma around shouldn't mean that she is taken for granted. Since she is the only Grandma close by, we try not to take advantage too often. We both feel that if we want to go do something without the kids, we're being somewhat selfish, and it should be something we only do on "special" occassions. We also try to give her a little extra at Christmas and bitrhdays to help show our gratitude. We don't really know anyone else locally that we'd be comfortable asking to watch our kids, I guess we should try, and eventually find someone for backup.

I guess my point to all of this is that I just don't understand how some people can just take advantage like they do. I know, all they have to do is say no, but really, some people can't say no, and they need respect just like anyone else. How can people out there lack the personal responsibility that is having kids. There are people out there that would do anything to have a family, and then on the flip side, there are people who have the kids, only to let them sit at daycare for 12 hours a day because it's free. Or, they go off to do whatever they please, while someone else watches them without being paid. And, people who give no thought to what someone else might have to do with their day, and then get mad when that ruins their plans.

And I forgot to mention...If you are still a child yourself, and have a kid, and live with your parents, it's still YOUR kid, so act like it! It seems like the new trend for kids having kids, to live at home and let their parents raise their kids for them. Just because there's other people around don't assume they will take up the slack for you. Especially if you are rent free, then they're already doing you a huge favor. Have some respect!

So, next time you decide to just go off and leave your child with someone (without them asking or you paying them), family member or other, think about how lucky you are to have this person, or people, in your life. Think about how much you owe them for keeping your child safe, it should be beyond what you could ever repay.

Sorry for the crazy mom post, I just had to get it off my chest. Like I said, please don't take offense, it's just my personal opinion and I will keep it to myself. In the end I know that I am trying my hardest at this whole parenting thing, and I hope my kids will reflect that.

I promise my next post will be less dramatic, K????


  1. it's a good thing you have this blog to let it all hang out...

  2. It must feel better to get that off your chest!

    I forgot that it took you a long time like us to get pregnant first time round.

    People do make crazy parenting choices that is for sure. I guess all we can do is make the best job of what we're doing. Which is a struggle in itself most days for me.

  3. I for one am not offended in the least. You just echoed many of my own personal thoughts and beliefs. I'll have to write a post about "my philosophy" one of these days.

  4. Ok you did nothing wrong here! The best part about blogging (other than comments of course! lol) is that you can vent! You deserve that. You shouldn't have to keep it inside. I don't really have a feel for this either way since I'm pretty far from having kids and everything.. but I am not offended! Good for you for letting it out!

  5. I'm pretty sure I agree with most if not all of it! My SIL has her mother watch her son for her all the time..to the point that people ask if he is hers! Wouldn't that bother you? She constantly takes advantage. We've only had one overnight trip in two years and my mom came in town for it (and wanted to do it)...so I completely know what you mean!

    And, daycare...uggh! I know what you mean...I basically work for daycare and benefits!!

    Vent away sister, and like you said, if people don't like it, they don't have to read it!

  6. I hear ya.

    I'm another who agrees with most of this. Although I'm in a slightly different boat. I couldn't get someone to babysit for me if I DID pay them :-) A four year old, two year old and a baby who won't take a bottle aren't really luring in the babysitters around here. But for the most part I don't complain, I had all these children for a reason and it is my job to take care of them. I will have lots of time when they are older to get out and do things in the evening.

    And don't you notice it is always these people who drop their kids off everywhere all the time, who complain the MOST???? About how *hard* their life is, and stuff like that. Cry me a freaking river.

    Good post - glad you got stuff off your chest!!!

  7. I agree with you. A lot. My sil ALWAYS leaves her son (who is around bella's age) with my in-laws. I RARELY leave bella with anyone. I hate it when I have and it's only been maybe 2-3 hours! My husband always says we should take a vacay with just us. I tell him no. We brought bella into the world, why would it be fair to just dump her off?! Ugh!!!
    By the way, we tried for 2 years to get pregnant with her, too. I think that's why I feel so strongly about just dumping her off. What if somehting happened to her?! My in laws aren't exactly my favorite people, either.
    Great post!!

  8. I hope I didn't come off to be a total bitch on this one. I really don't let this get to me that much, and I do know people who depend on family because it's all they have.
    I do consider it to be completely different if there is a reason to have someone watching your kids. I know there are divorced people, single moms/dads that don't even have their kids other parent around and they need help. I also know that sometimes you're physically unable to take care of your kids. Usually those are people who feel horrible about needing the extra help, but still have no alternative.
    I really do know the difference and those things were not meant to be included in this post, in case anyone was offended.